lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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