I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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