WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I touched a dick in church today
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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