at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
