The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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