That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
