im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
