I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
my poor anus
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
