the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
