i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
