i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
