you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
