You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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