I cannot find my penis.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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