i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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