i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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