made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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