thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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