just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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