sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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