Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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