I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
