Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
