he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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