I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
