bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
