How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
