my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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