Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
