I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
