I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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