I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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