so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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