if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
