So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
