my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
