i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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