if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
