I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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