i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
