New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
