I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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