Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
be right there i have to get my cape
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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