thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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