there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
