So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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