Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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