I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
