She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
