Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
