Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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